Acceptance

kertesz_tulip_small_imToday is Monday, the 12th of February, 2018.  I didn’t feel well at all yesterday and spent all morning in bed.  Not my usual way.  I rarely do anything like that.  But the feeling of exhaustion was just too great.  Luckily, Gary didn’t question it so much except to just ask me if I was okay and if I was going to be okay.  I know he worries about losing me too early because of my unhealthy habits with food and with exercise.  He didn’t fuss about that though.  He just calmly supported my need to sleep all morning.  I am not sure if it was exhaustion or just a heavy depressive episode.  I felt like I was going to fall asleep standing up and my mind felt foggy and I just had an overall feeling of malaise.

I managed to get up around 1pm and take a shower and then eventually went on my Sunday grocery shopping trip.  I usually go around 9am on Sundays but this time it was around 3pm.

This morning I still don’t feel well but managed to get up and come to work.  I feel headachey though.  I am having my coffee but so far I still feel like I could fall asleep sitting right here at the computer.

Anyway, I am learning slowly (it’s about time at 59!) to accept my brain the way it is but also I continue to take antidepressants and anti-anxiety pills.   I have ceased taking my ADHD meds because they just didn’t seem to work and I just didn’t want to increase the dosage.  I have been off of them for about 3 weeks now and I seem just fine.  I mean, I have my moments of distractions and the like but overall I feel like I am doing fine.  I have put my mind to keeping up at work with the bookkeeping and so I feel good about that.  It is so easy to let things get behind and pile up.  I try to remind myself when I just feel like procrastinating and going on-line to binge on bus conversion videos and tiny house videos and ancestry videos  – I try to remind myself just how it feels to have all my work piled up and behind. I don’t like that feeling.  I have to dislike the feeling more than I like the feeling of binging on videos.

So, having said that, I will have to say adieu and get to work since I am AT work.  🙂

If anyone is reading this, just remember if you are feeling down that this feeling WILL pass but also remember that up and down waves are a part of life and it means we are feeling so that has to be a good thing, right?

Have a great day …

Sabrina

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